A Day In The Life Of... Neil Tennant!

Looterally traced Neil Tennant's steps during one of the days of July... here are the observations made:

Neil Tennant wakes up at 8 o'clock to the sound of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony booming over the speakers of the hyper class hifi stereo, well hidden between the wooden furniture. He takes a sip of champagne from the glass his dog Kevin brings him. Kevin is perfectly dressed in a black suit - "as all gentlemen dogs do" - but he looks a little tired; he didn't sleep through the night, trying to think up some ways to make Neil's life easier and better.

The phone rings at precisely 9:30, when Neil enjoys his well-deserved English tea, English orange juice and English toasts with English fried egg. It is Janet Street-Porter, with another great idea being that they should record a Christmas single together, called "We Are The Salt Of The Universe". Neil gently mumbles some "we'll see"s and "ok"s, keeping in mind that it's July and Janet will forget the idea 200 times in the mean time, and, what's worse, she'll have a million more before Christmas.

Neil looks doubtfully at the window, beyond which the weather looks like it was going to rain. "I will take my umbrella" he decides. "Kevin! Where's my umbrella?" Kevin, pretty ashamed that he didn't know telepathically that Neil will request the umbrella, comes with it in 18 seconds time. "Not bad" says Neil, who has measured the time. His main target during the next three weeks is 1) assuring that the new single, "I Don't Know What It Is Called But We Just Had To Make The Guinness Book Of Records Again" gets into the UK charts at number 1 and 2) making Kevin the perfect English gentleman. "At times," sighs.
Neil, "the former seems easier." Kevin looks down, ashamed.

At eleven Neil and Chris are supposed to be in the studio, where they are recording the final dubs of their new album, "Nightfly". Neil turns up at precisely 10:59. Chris isn't there. "Of course" frowns Neil with theatrical shrug. "He's never there."

Neil and the engineer, Bob Kraushaar, run over the track that the PSB are doing with Kylie Minogue, called "I Am Thin And Gorgeous". "You know," Neil observes, "she is so good in this that I sometimes wonder whether I shouldn't become a critic instead. I could praise her properly then. Of course, this song would be number one if she released it alone. With us it will be a mere top 20 appearance."

You're not that bad, observes Looterally. The previous five Pet Shop Boys singles made top 10. More or less. If you exclude Single.

"Exclude" sighs Neil. "We should exclude Chris from the group. He's never there anyway. Where's Dainton? I want a cup of tea, now!"

Dainton will come with Chris, Looterally reminds.

"Oh yeah" says Neil. "What are these terrible noises?"

The terrible noises appear to be Erasure, recording in the studio next to Neil's. Vince Clarke comes in to say hello.

"Hello," says Neil. "Could you please turn these noises down?"

"They're our new single" exclaims Vince. Neil looks unimpressed.

"So you turned into the Massive Attack support band?"

"Noo. It's just that Andy said 'Let's do something new'."

Neil has an advice. "Stick to your bleeps" he says. "Nobody will find out anyway. All your fans, I mean, your mum, don't listen to the songs anyway. They just buy the albums and say to the neighbours 'Look Cathy, this is my son's new production'."

Vince leaves, offended. Neil laughs mercilessly. "Of course," he adds, "they write better lyrics than we do. Such mindless ones. You don't have to be a professor of arts to understand Erasure lyrics, whereas you have to have a degree to get ours. Like 'Heart'. Nobody understood that it was a deep, touching song about the bad position of the heart surgeons these days. They all thought 'Wow! We know what you mean! The vampire is the secret lover' where in fact the vampire was Margaret Thatcher. And I was the surgeon."

Who was Chris Lowe in the video?, asks Looterally.

"He was pretty much himself. I mean, he's not doing much, does he? He throws our things away. He smiles. All of the fans made their panties wet when this video was first played, because Chris smiled in it."

Chris arrives. It is half past one already. "I was in a terrible traffic" he exclaims. Neil looks unimpressed.

"The studio is three minutes down from your house. That's three minutes walk."

Chris sits on the sofa. "What are we doing?"

"We?" asks Neil, offended. "Well, you are doing what you always do."

"Ah," replies Chris, reading Cosmopolitan. "Have you seen yourself? You've been chosen the 73th sexiest man by Cosmo."

"WHERE?!" shouts Neil and jumps on the sofa. The sofa breaks.

"Oh no, it's not you" realizes Chris when they finally get rid of the sofa. "It's Mr. Bean. Rowan Atkinson has been chosen sexier than you! You're not in the top 100."

"You're not either" says Neil. "So Rowan is sexier than you as well."

"No, sorry honey" replies Chris. "You're wrong. I'm number 3, after Robbie Williams and Damon Albarn."

"Where is George Michael then?" wonders Neil.

"He's number 6. Ex aequo with Kenny."

"Can we listen to it for a while?" asks Bob. "We've got to do it today."

"We're _supposed_ to do it" says Neil. "We're stars. Cancel the album! We don't feel like working."

"At least, I don't" says Chris. He finished Cosmo. "What a pile of junk. It didn't tell me anything I wouldn't know before."

"But you're number three" reminds Neil.

"Yup. At least I could be number two. For once. But no, there's always two people better than me."

"The song..." interrupts Bob. Neil and Chris ignore him.

"What about your flat? 'Designs And Interiors' said it was the best place they ever saw."

"But I didn't design it" complains Chris. "It's always someone else that gets awarded at the end. I have to do the solo album."

"But the recording of you snoring at the studio's sofa might not sell very good."

"Kylie's calling!" shouts Bob. This finally gets him some attention.

"What? what? what does she want?" asks Neil nervously.

"Nothing. It's me! Could we please finish this song? I really have to go home at six."

"What time is it?" asks Chris. It's three pm.

"Oh God" says Neil. "We'll run over the song..." His cellular phone rings. It is, yet again, Janet Street-Porter who says that they should do a duo with Kylie Minogue for a b-side.

"We had, honey" says Neil. "And it'll be an a-side. Yes. No. It's a very good idea, thank you honey." He disconnects. "One could say you might get too much of Janet, couldn't they?"

"I love those complicated sentences that you always use" says Chris. "I'm not complicated enough. I'd say 'Won't she ever get lost?'"

"That's why I do all the talking" says Neil. They talk for ages; Bob Kraushaar and the song left forgotten.

Neil finally gets home at 7 and writes the page in his diary that will later be published by Looterally. He thinks that reading truth might be a very bad thing for the readers, so he writes the following words:

'July 13th. Chris and I went to the studio. Remixing 'Gorgeous'. Janet called us twice and had some great ideas' - Janet is a member of Looterally as well - 'which we consider worth their weight in gold.'

Kevin comes in, dressed as the perfect housewife. He reminds Neil that he hasn't eaten yet.

"Oh, I _have_" says Neil. "We had a nice lunch with Chris. How can you _not_ see this, Kevin... I'm very disappointed."

Kevin leaves the room, crying quietly and goes to the kitchen, where he throws the food he cooked - the French lemon soup, rice with chicken and pudding - to the garbage bin.

"On the other side," shouts Neil, "I'd eat some pudding." Kevin has a nervous breakdown.

Neil finally goes to sleep at 10 pm, watching some recorded episodes of Friends first. He notes on a piece of paper next to the phone: 'call Lisa Kudrow and say we'll produce her album' and falls asleep with a pleasant feeling of being the greatest Renaissance Man in the universe.